Kiddushin 31a

קידושין ל״א ע״א

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Topic

Honoring and fearing parents: the order of father and mother in the פסוקים, God's presence, whose request comes first, the stories of דמא בן נתינה, and why being commanded makes a מצוה greater

Overview

This amud is all about honoring and fearing parents. It opens by finishing a ברייתא: the תורה lists the father first for כיבוד (honor) but the mother first for מורא (fear), to strengthen whichever one a child would naturally give less of. Then come sayings about God's presence: God 'does not dwell' with people who hurt their parents, sinning in secret is like pushing away the שכינה, and one should not walk arrogantly or bareheaded. A widow's son asks whose request comes first, and רבי אליעזר and רבי יהושע both say the father comes first, because the mother also owes him honor. If the parents are divorced, they are treated equally. עולא רבה and רבא then show that the commandment to honor parents proved to the nations that all of God's words are sincere. Next, the גמרא asks how far כיבוד אב ואם goes and answers with stories about דמא בן נתינה, a gentile who gave up a fortune rather than wake his father and stayed silent when his mother shamed him. From his reward, רבי חנינא teaches that one who is commanded and does is greater than one who is not commanded, which makes the blind רב יוסף change his mind. The amud ends as אבימי begins a teaching that a son can feed his father fine food and still be punished, which continues on the next amud.

Opening lines

The steps (23)

1. StatementWhy the father is listed first for honor
2. StatementWhy the mother is listed first for fear
3. StatementGod avoids dwelling with those who hurt their parents
4. StatementSinning in secret pushes away the שכינה
5. StatementDo not walk with an arrogant, upright posture
6. Statementרב הונא would not walk bareheaded
7. QuestionA widow's son asks: whose request comes first?
8. Responseרבי אליעזר: the father comes first
9. Responseרבי יהושע gives the same answer
10. QuestionThe son asks: What if my mother were divorced?
11. Responseרבי יהושע answers with gentle mockery: treat them equally
12. StatementThe nations accepted God's first commandments once they heard 'Honor your father'
13. Statementרבא's source: the end of God's word proves the beginning
14. QuestionHow far does honoring parents go?
15. Responseדמא בן נתינה gives up a fortune so as not to wake his father
16. Questionרבי אליעזר is asked how far honoring parents goes
17. Responseדמא בן נתינה would not wake his father for a huge deal
18. Statementדמא is rewarded with a פרה אדומה
19. Statementרבי חנינא: if a gentile gets this, how much more a commanded Jew
20. Statementרב יוסף's first thought: being exempt would be better
21. Conclusionרב יוסף reverses: being commanded is better
22. Statementדמא בן נתינה stays silent when his mother humiliates him
23. StatementFeeding a father fine food can still lose a son his share in the next world